Why I don’t want my kids to get married?

I know the title itself will raise a lot of eyebrows and people would have a lot to contradict me and a lot to support me as well. But I felt the pinning urge to write about it as whenever I raise this topic, people usually feel I am saying all this without thinking. And also they think that the reason why I am so vocal about this is that I have kids of age lesser than 5 years. So long way to go...
Frankly, as a kid, teenager and an adult, I never thought so much about marriage. It was part of the organic growth all kids have in our country. Eventually, you will finish your studies, and eventually you will marry and settle down. Yes, I still fail to understand what “SETTLING DOWN” is is all about. But yes, being brought up by happily married parents, there was no reason why I would think of marriage otherwise. And I am quite sure; my kids would also say the same about us. Then, why am I not so keen on getting my kids married? And why am I thinking about it at the age of 5 yrs?
There is a very strong reason for it. And the time is also the most apt to think about it. I will tell you why?
As soon as a kid is born, in India, we start planning for him/her. We start thinking about his safety, his comforts, and his needs. How are we going to financially support his upbringing. We go to an extent of having a marital insurance, education insurance for him. I am not against insurance, but my point is, we start excessive planning for the kids.
If it’s a girl, we buy all pink things for her. Pink dresses, pink toys, pink walls, pink clips and what not. If it’s a boy, we paint the town blue! So consciously or sub-consciously we make this divide of a girl and a boy. Why do we see 1000s of cars in a boy's toy room whereas a 1000 dolls in a girl's toy room? Don’t we have girls driving cars all over? OR for that matter guys seeking fashion and clothing as careers? We do. But we confuse our children by dividing their likes and dislikes as per their gender.

Subconsciously or consciously, we prepare our kids to get ready for our legacy, our marriage system. Learn some cooking; it will be useful for you. Keep your room clean, you should keep your house clean. Take some responsibility; you should be a responsible man. Sports are good, but you cannot go out of station for your matches. Don’t wear this, don’t grow your hair long, you are a boy. You should learn to adjust, life is all about adjustment. Keep others/family before you always, good girls/boys always care for others more than themselves.

When it comes to family name, we don’t hesitate to curb our kid’s desires. They might be great chefs, or great athletes, or great dancers, or for that matter just great with some musical instrument, but depending on the gender we prepare them for the future. If our kid is inclined towards spirituality, we get concerned if he becomes a yogi. If our kid is more into theater and music, we press them to concentrate on studies. We want Sachin Tendulkar's at home, but how many of us are ready to let go of their matriculation exams to let him go to play their test matches? We are concerned about the adventure sports our kids take up. We all love actress/models, but when our daughters want to take it up as a career, we think about their marriage, the society and everything that really doesn’t matter in life. We keep an invisible bubble all the time around our kids. WHY?

Every person is born with some talent, and they are unique. You as a parent have to give basic education and basic code of conduct of humanity to them. After that, whether he/she wants to fly, or drown, or sing or jump, let it be their choice. Don’t put the burden of your legacy on them. We all feel, we had much more potential in us. But more often than not, we blame it on society, or family or responsibility for not being able to tap that potential in us. "I would have been a great athlete, if I pursued running then"."I would have gone places, if I was allowed to take up modeling"."Today, I cannot pursue travelling, because I have responsibilities"."I am best at writing, but I have no formal training"." I was so good at cricket, but my father wanted me to be a doctor". All these are common statements with people of our generation.
What do we do to our kids? We pass our wishes, our failures, our dreams to them. 9/10 people who are "happily married" say that they are happily married because they have ADJUSTED to each other. Why is it so important to put our kids through all this? If it’s about security, there is no security in marriage. If it’s about love, there is more love before marriage than after. The social balance will go for a toss? What social balance are we talking about? Where most people have EMAs and divorces at the drop of a hat? If it’s about kids/family, what do you want kids for? For making your own compromised clones? And it’s not very uncommon to have single parents these days.
I feel, we should let them fly. Let them tap their potential. Let them decide what they want to be. Success or failure, they will be happy that they are what they are because they chose it for themselves. If earning money and pretending to be a happy is life, then animals have a better life than us. God has given us brains and talent to create genius and evolve with every generation. We have Einstein’s and Tendulkar’s all over, but we do not have an eye for it. If we free our kids from the pressure of their future, I am sure they can come out with flying colors. Education, marriage, job, family is a part of your life, not the life itself. Every day they can have an all exciting life if they choose what they want to do in life. And also if they choose who they want to be in their life. Does being a radio jockey excite them? Or they want to live a life of a traveler, wandering at different places. Or they just want to be a family person. Let’s just leave it on them and their destiny. It is another way of teaching them to live in present.

I am glad that I am liberated from the cycle of legacy and have the ability and inclination to detach my desires from my kid’s upbringing. I may fail; I may not be considered a good mother in the definition of parenting. And I may also possibly repent giving them untamed wings one day. But I want to take this risk. I want to teach them to live for themselves. To fulfill their own wishes without sacrificing or compromising their dreams. The compassion, humanity and love they need to be happy in the social society are anyways things which nobody can teach them. They will learn it from nature. What I want for them is a free sky to fly without the invisible wall of society, expectations, legacy and pressure. Whether I am right or wrong, I want to remain true to my instincts of a mother.

How we express?

Why do some people write? Why some people run marathons? Why do we dance? What is the pleasure of getting that perfect shot for a photographer? What is the motivation for some people to follow adventure sports? Why do we paint? What are hobbies? What is that one thing that makes us happy when we are doing something we like? Or to put in other words. Why do we like something more than the other things?

We get similar happiness when we are with friends. Just that one old joke makes us laugh for hours with the people we are close to. Why getting high with life/alcohol/love makes us feel close to the divine? Small things also gives a lot of high in life. Just watching a bright yellow flower early in the morning on the way, getting a clear road while driving to work, listening to that favorite old song on radio unexpectedly or just a phone call from an old friend.

There is no major significance of these things in life. They don't make you rich, you rarely earn from your hobbies(rather they are usually expensive). Pulling out time from your hectic daily schedule and doing these extra curricular things takes alot of drive and sacrifices. Then what is the reason, most of us wait to go back to this world of our interest. In fact, why are we so interested in this dreamy world of ours? Why different people have different interests in life? And why some people leave their interests back and become so inert and passive?

According to me, our hobbies are our way of expression. Expression is a very basic characteristic of human nature. When we are small, we cry, howl, giggle, scream, shout and express. A child who has just learnt to speak, cannot get enough of telling his stories to his mom. And as we grow, from toddler to teenager, we express to our friends. We talk about everything with our friends and with play and talk we vent ourselves all the time. But as we become adults, we stop sharing ourselves with others. We become more wise and diplomatic with our expressions. The calculations of profit and loss, the weighted of repercussions and the good/bitter learning's of the world make us less and less expressive. The people who seem to be very talkative and friendly are mostly not expressive, they are more or less hiding behind the facade of a friendly face. So, everyone has a need to express as they grow.

When I started writing, I had not a slightest idea of why I want to write? And I wasn't sure, if I would be comfortable sharing my life with anyone else. But today, I know I feel very happy when I write. I feel like I am talking to a good ole friend, someone who knows me from ages. Someone who is not judgemental. He who might not give me solutions to my problems, but will give me his ear for sure. Similar things I experience when I dance. Dance elevates me from my intellect, my education, my social status, my fear of being judged. I am expressing myself in the form of body language. I am smiling without a reason because the reason is coming from within. My body is happy expressing it and my mind subconsciously signals to smile.

Even researches show, that people who are very introvert and shy, open up with dancing. This definitely proves my point that your hobbies are your form of expression. Some love to run and sweat and express themselves. Some paint their minds with paintings, however abstract and weird it might look. But paintings tell a lot about the painters emotions. Some find the expression in the adrenaline rush they get while playing any sport. Other hobbies, right from arts and crafts to travel. All would be one or the other form of expression.

Your friends and confidants might leave you or ditch you. But your hobbies are your secret to happiness. You might not be comfortable sharing the aggressive, flirty, cocky, generous, stingy, conservative, broadminded, sloppy side of you, to your friends. But you will definitely express it via your writings/paintings/dancing or any other hobby. However subconscious and unacceptable it might be, but those are your expressions. The conscious mind will be happy suppressing them, but your subconscious mind will always have them in you. So better to express than to keep it to yourself.

My hunt for healthy food

After 2 years of delivering my second baby, I have suddenly realised that I have put on a lot of weight. I was giving myself a levy for quite sometime now stating that I am a mother and its ok to be overweight when you have delievered. But now suddenly, fitness seems to be in the air around me. All my friends, my colleagues and even strangers I meet, seems to be fitness freaks. And when love is in the air, you have a chance of skipping the cupid arrow( as there are two people involved in it). But with fitness, there is no saviour. You start feeling guilty of everything you eat and the mirror suddenly seems to be disliking your new found structure. And cherry on the cake would be if you see your old photographs and start craving for that wonderfully tonned body and glowing skin.
So when fitness is on your mind. You start thinking about every small thing which harms your body and increases your chances to get that flab. That 1 spoon sugar you take in your tea or the spoonful of ketchup you consume. All seems to be a cheat meal in your diet.  (Before this enlightening struck me, an extra sachet of ketchup was a must with every burger I ordered in MacD)
It was one week of enthusiasm and determination. Started with rigorous gyming and diet control. And eating oats for breakfast, veggies and rotis for lunch and dinner and minimal tea/coffee/dessert. And the epic being just a couple of chocolates for the whole week, which for a chocoholic (read me) is like leaving smoking for a smoker.I finally started withdrawl symptoms. Those chocolates seemed to be calling me towards them. My right brain started telling my left brain to stop all this nonsense and live life kingsize (literally :P). Introspections such as I am not a model, its ok to be healthy and slightly plump for a mother of two kids. OR others like, you have only one life, if you suppress your wishes (read cravings of desserts/chocos) whats the use? And ultimate ones like, I am just in my early 30s, why bother so much about fitness and food. Anyways I would need to refrain from it when I grow older. And many more which I cannot discuss here.
So finally I decided to not torture myself with such strict diet and hit the supermarket to find some good alternatives which will both be healthy and tasty. I had few parameters in mind with which I would filter my so called "HEALTHY SNACKS".

I entered the super market and 90 % of the things were processed food full with oil, sugar and transfat. The yummy tea cakes, the bhujiya, the chakli, the ketchup,the biscuits, the yougurt,,, all so wonderfully packaged and marketed. I never saw them with this perspective earlier. And I am sure, many of us still find it difficult to stop ourself from picking a few packets of chips and cakes and biscuits for munching here and there. But today I felt as if I was walking in a heap of junk food. Junk food which is soo part of our daily life.
I never thought twice before eating a packet of chips. It  is not only fried and not only made of starchy potato but also contains huge amount of salt (ajinomoto maximum times) which ideally you should consume only 2-3 tbs per day.
Ever wondered about that innocent looking, so called healthy tasty "TOMATO KETCHUP"? Let me tell you, there is noting healthy about that devil. Its the favorite among kids and causes obesity. It makes us obese and our kids are exposed to so much of preservatives in it at such a tender age.
Another monsters are the aireated drinks. Its mind boggling to know how much sugar goes in each glass of Sprite/Coke/Slice. And its heart breaking how we consume such forbidden drinks which affects our bones for long term. I am amused, how are they not banned after so many proven facts of having pesticides and other harmful ingredients in it!

The list can continue, the instant soups we get is full of preservatives and salt, the digestive biscuits we eat without any hesitation is high in fiber and also in carbs. The diet baked chips, the tea cakes, the low fat milk, the trans-fat free oil all are such fancy names to the same old processed food.
My kids love to come to shop with me for the very reason they can pick up the packet of chips or biscuits which they have seen in commercials inbetween their cartoons. And I don't know how to stop myself from picking atleast one if not many things which are screaming to be picked.
The statistics say, we are becoming more health conscious. But I wonder how these processed food companies are doing so well? Every day you will see a new product launched, a new low fat version of the devils.
Finally after my holy visit to the supermarket, I have finally decided not to fall prey to these well packaged monsters. I am dertermined of drinking freshly made soups, eating freshly cooked veggies and snacking on dry fruits and fruits rather than going for a quick fix. But then again, what on earth has remained pure these days? How do I skip the hormones injected in the milk I drink, and the pesticides I consume from veggies and fruits and the latest genetically modified hybrid varieties? Why on earth is it so difficult to eat healthy in our country? #FOODFORTHOUGHT

Khushi's dose of the day!! Feminist in making

As any other girl child, Khushi is more inclined to befriend girls and play with girls rather than boys. And I find it pretty normal, so I never force her to befriend anyone. On the contrary, her best friends are all boys. So I thought it has nothing to do with gender, she just mirrors other girls. But this conversation between us shows me a feminist streak in her at the age of 5.

Mummy : Khushi the sculpture you see next to Ganesh is of Gowri. She is Ganeshji's mother.
Khushi : Oh! That small one? The girl face?
Mummy : Yes
Khushi : So when do we celebrate Gowri's birthday?
Mummy : mmmmmm.. we dont celebrate Gowri's birthday
Khushi : WHY? We celebrate Ganeshji's birthday but not Gowriji's! We celebrate Krishna's birthday but not Radhaji's! That's not fair!

I was introspecting as to why are most of our festivals celebrated for male Gods and only a few for female Gods? Wish I asked this question to myself and had started celebrating GOWRI, as the people in south celebrate one day prior to Ganesh chaturthi. I think, subconsciously, we inculcate the seeds of patriarchy with our culture. Time to rise and awaken, time to consciously sow the seeds of equality if not Matriarchy.